Thirty...

That's the number of pounds I have yet to lose after having Trig.  Save the "Leah, don't be so hard on yourself.   You just had a baby" and "It will come off, just give it some time."  Trig is almost 7 months old, so that hardly qualifies in the "just had a baby" category, and I've already given it plenty of time.  Apparently it's not going to just happen like I was hoping it would.  I am currently very sick of looking like this!  It definitely doesn't help that everyone around me having babies looks amazing about 2 weeks later... why can't that be me!??

This pregnancy actually started off with me looking great.  I was at my goal weight/size, and was even 20 or more pounds below what I weighed when I got pregnant with Brynn.  Perfect recipe for gaining less than the 50 pounds I gained with Brynn, right?  Nope.  Instead I gained more.  I'm not sure exactly how much more, because I usually decide to stop looking at the scale about half way through, but definitely more.  60, 65 pounds?  I don't know.  The point is I came home from the hospital weighing close to the same as when I arrived home with Brynn.

SO frustrating.  I was hoping I would be able to gain less and lose faster this time.  WRONG.  It took me close to a year to lose the weight I gained with Brynn.  I am on track for that or more.  Maybe like 2 years at this rate.  I'm getting to the point now where I seriously feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "geez, when is she going to lose that baby weight- she should really be back to normal by now."  I know people, I know.  I should be back to normal.  Or at least in the process!  I went for several months having 40 pounds to lose... then I went on a little loosing streak and got down to 30 pounds to lose.. and now I've been hanging out here for WAY to long.

I know it's my fault.  I haven't made any effort whatsoever.  Scratch that, I've made an effort here and there for very short periods of time, but haven't stayed with anything.  I don't work out, and I eat whatever the heck I want.  After all this girl is HUNGRY.  I'm nursing a baby and I could pretty much eat all the time.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times since I had Trig that I've actually felt full, and let's just be honest, it's hard to have some self control when you are always hungry!  Not to mention that I LOVE food (so much so that that might have to be another post entirely...).  

My husband, bless his heart, says I look just great.  I'm very thankful for that, don't get me wrong, but I so do NOT look great.  I want to vomit every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or feel my thighs rub together, or my tight pants on my giant belly, or my double chin when I yawn too big.  DISGUSTING.  I am honestly repulsed by myself and it makes me sad.  Now I'm not saying that someone that's bigger than me is fat- all I'm saying is that this person I see in the mirror isn't me!  And relatively, she's quite a big gal.

So what am I going to do about it?  I don't know.  I want to commit to a low carb diet- which I've had a lot of success with in the past.  But I'm not committed enough for that right now.  Apparently my fatness isn't incentive enough for me to do that.  Not to mention that nursing a baby does some crazy things to my body and I'm not so sure it would be effective.  I did order myself a double jogging stroller which should be arriving this week.  Excited to be able to go for a walk with my kids because let's face it, when else am I going to get one in?

Beyond attempting to get regular about walking, I don't know what to do for now.  Stop eating everything in sight?  Perhaps.  There again though comes that hungry thing.  And God-forbid that I eat when I am hungry.  Just ask my husband who, although very understanding most of the time, almost brought me to tears when he asked me last night as I was eating some crackers and cheese, "didn't we have a really big dinner?"  Yes, honey, we did.  SHUT UP!  **sigh...**  I.  Need.  Help.  WAY more than I wanted to share.....